Some Wacky Quotes

Some Wacky Quotes

"I want to die like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep....Not yelling and screaming like the passenger in his car"

"I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted!"
- George Best -

"I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons."
- Douglas Adams. -

"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy."
- Spike Milligan. -

"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. "
- Socrates. -

"If your left leg was easter, and your right leg was christmas, would i be able to meet you inbetween the holidays?"
- Josh Longden -

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
- Seinfeld -

Your son may be an honor student, but you are still stupid!
- famous bumper sticker -

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
- Bertrand Russel -

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
- Robert Orben -

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.
- Agatha Christie -

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!
- Golda Meir -

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
- Rodney Dangerfield -

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
- Emo Philips -

I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.
- Monica Piper -

I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.
- Eric Sykes -

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
- Jimmy Carter -

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.'
The doctor says, 'It's because of old age'
The woman says, 'Doctor, I want a second opinion.'
The doctor says: 'Sure - you're ugly too'

- Tommy Cooper -

It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I
have been searching for evidence which could support this.
- Bertrand Russell -

The amount of sleep required by the average person is about
five minutes more.
- Wilson Misner -

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some
men should be happier than others.
- Oscar Wilde -

A lot of people wonder how you know if you're really in love.
Just ask yourself this one question: Would I mind being
financially destroyed by this person?
- Ronnie Shakes -

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
- Billy Connolly -

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeneres -

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow.
I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.
- Tommy Cooper -

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find
out later she has money.
- Bob Monkhouse -

A man explained inflation to his wife thus:
'When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42.
There's more of you, but you are not worth as much.' :P
- Lord Barnett -

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
- Gracie Allen -

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
- Groucho Marx.-

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- Steven Wright -